I don’t have a daughter but if I did, i’d teach her this.
Id teach her to love, not to hate.
Id teach her how to be great and I would teach her that greatness is not what is stemmed from so-called societal “success”
but happiness.
Id tell her she is beautiful every day
Not to worry about what the magazines say
Because she is alive and loved and that is the only way that being beautiful matters.
I would teach her to read so she can see the kind of world she wants it to be and then I would teach her to teach so she might be the change that this world needs to see.
I want to teach her to say thank you for even the smallest things, because thank you is sometimes both the most powerful and heart breaking phrase that someone’s ears might see.

And people see me with kids and say “oh, you’ll be such a great mom”
And every time someone says this I feel the sweat in my palms.
Because they don’t know me, but I sure as hell do
and I’m just not sure if that’s something I can live up to
And then i just think, well, what if I fuck up? Which ill probably do.
I mean, My mom fucked up and yours probably did to.
My mom married a guy who acted the size of my shoe.
And I only feel almost beautiful until I turn on the tv
And I never want any daughter I have to feel any inadaquicy
Maybe when I have a daughter, she will change me.
I’ll stop dying my hair, and ill eat healthy,
And then I really will know how to reach out and love unconditionally.
And I would have to find a way to make the knowledge known that life is what you make of it, not by the amount of things you own.
And the words life and love should not casually be thrown
Because both are the two most important things that can possibly grow.
But I don’t have a daughter,
So what do I really know.

I work. So hard. So much. And it never ends. I never stop going.

And I plan. Even as a Virgo I am not an “organizer” by nature. But I plan and plan months in advance for just the chance to have an extra day somewhere. Anywhere. That is not here.

You sine people get handed life events and opportunities and even if they did work hard, its not the same. Because I ALWAYS work hard and they get the break and all I want is for someone to say ” hey how are you doing with all of this?”

Because I’m not okay sometimes and i hide it because I’ve convinced myself that I just haven’t worked hard enough yet.

And all I want is a fucking day.

This.never.ends.

As a self-indulgent human being, I will simply state some of the reasons why my life is amazing:

I get to experience this on almost a daily basis. I never thought that I would want to teach long term, and every time I think I don’t want to go teach, I do anyways, because I know that at the end of class, adults, minis, teens, whatever, I am always proud of my students. While I am still learning, every day I happy to have had the opportunity to share what I’ve been working on for years with people who want experience  the knowledge I have to give.

As often as my life has changed, I have always been an avid reader, and this has never changed, and it never will. There is always a book at or around my person, no matter where I am. You never know when you might have some time to escape the world.

My choice to go back to school has been one of the most inspirational things I’ve done for myself in far too long. I love being in class, I love learning, I love knowing that so many doors could open for me that I never even bothered with before. Call me a nerd, but walking into my classrooms three days a week is always exciting, and I couldn’t be happier. I have no idea how I’m going to pay it off when it’s all said and done with, but you can’t live life worrying about things you can’t figure out right here and now.

Every day I see the best parts of my mom come out in me. My mom is very persistent, and stubborn, and the least impatient person I have ever met, and as different as I always though I was, these things are what have gotten me all the things I’ve wanted. She has taught me not only to be ambitious, but that the follow through of these ambitions are even more important that dreaming them. Happiness is always just a couple more steps away.

In the past couple years I’ve had many, many set backs and depressive moments that have brought me down, laid me in bed for days at a time, and it can’t be said for sure that this won’t happen again, but right now, and I hope forever, I have been able to come back to this place where I honestly believe anything is possible, and the only thingthat could possibly hold me back is myself.

I made it to Istanbul and back by myself in one piece. Spontaneity is the spice of life. It still amazes me that one day I was looking through my email, and that same day I had a plane ticket to a place I had never even considered, and three months later I was there. It still seems like I imagined it, but I’ve got too many pictures for it to have been a dream.

Every time I try to take a picture of my boyfriend it looks a lot like this, but that’s okay, because almost every time we go ANYWHERE he is dressed really nicely and I am just a hot mess in sweat pants, and he never complains, or asks me to put on real clothes. Weird face and all, it’s amazing how much this guy has helped me grow in just the year we have been together. There are so many things I’ve been able to learn about myself and about people and relationships that I probably can’t even recognize most of it right now. I just know I respect everything he’s been able to teach me and help me through.

It has been 6 years since I have since Mary in real life, but I love that a few years ago we were able to overcome everything that we went through and become friends again. And even though you can never really know if you can have a real friendship based off of a media relationship, I get the feeling that we would be just fine, and I hope to see her in real life sometime soon. Until then, I am sincerely glad that she is happy and getting through her life so successfully.

I know that if I ever need anything, these guys will always be there for me (I hope they feel the same for me, because I would). Even if I don’t get to see them very often. That is something I would like to change.

Dance is and will always be the best thing I ever do for myself.

People always say don’t go to bed mad at each other, and I can honestly say I’ve never really been MAD at Nick, not yet, not really, but I can say I’ve been annoyed sometimes, especially at Vinnie when he plays his Squeaker Song at two in the morning with the Devil Duck while laying on the bed in which I am sleeping, and Nick wakes me up every time he walks in house at 3 AM when he gets off work, but it doesn’t matter, because when I wake up, I always smile, because most mornings, I get to wake up next to these two guys.

Cutting up sweatshirts will never go out of style, and I will always be that awkward girl who doesn’t really know how to dress herself, so she just wears whatever she wants and sometimes it looks good and sometimes it REALLY doesn’t. And yes, I do still take pictures in the mirror and post them online. I have no shame. Ask Levi.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY!! Look at that guy.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t really care if anyone reads this at all. But I want to remember exactly how I feel about my life on this day, at this moment.

dictionaryofobscuresorrows:

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

Every day.

A girl in my class said this…

“All we really know about him are his childhood dreams, his ambitions, and what he does.”

….what else do you want to know?